THE IMPOSSIBLE TEST

It was a restless night. William blamed his nerves. When his alarm chimed, though, he pulled his legs to the side of the bed and sat up. Then he screamed, a mask staring back from the darkness. It was closer to a boyish cry than a manly yelp. It was embarrassing, but screaming wasn’t against any of William’s principles, so he brushed the feeling aside. “What are you doing there?”

“Just wanted to see what would happen when your alarm sounded,” Onyx said. Already dressed in his purple and black, he seated himself by the front door.

William started his coffee maker and used the bathroom before remembering his morning ritual. It was awkward doing it with someone watching, but he forced himself to treat the masked—Onyx’s mask was off, and he had a bowl of oatmeal in his hands. He was younger than William expected, thirty at most. He looked… normal. William didn’t know why that struck him.

Preparing a breakfast and a lunch, William offered, “Would you like some coffee?”

“No.”

“I also have milk, tea, apple juice, and water, of course.”

“I would like anything but tea. Give me some tea please.”

As William heated water, Onyx asked, “Why do you drink coffee?”

Habit wasn’t a reason. If it was just a habit, William would have broken it. “Sometimes I have tea.” He packed his cooler and brought his breakfast to the table. “I think it’s the warmth because the caffeine doesn’t do much for me anymore. There’s something about making a warm beverage, something comforting. Maybe it’s just the routine. I don’t really know.”

“Why are you having a bagel?”

“It’s quick. I have like three different breakfasts I cycle between during the week.”

“How would you define your diet?”

“My parents were very health conscious, so I learned what a balanced diet looked like and how to assess my nutrition. I didn’t want to be like them, though, with all their rules. They were always talking about it. It was an obsession for them. So, I just try to make good decisions as they come.”

On the way to William’s job, Onyx sipped his tea through a straw. His mask was on again. He asked, “What do you see?”

“Cars?” William guessed. “What do you mean?”

“Okay. What else?”

“Uh, that’s a pretty good taco place,” William pointed to a restaurant in a plaza they were passing. “I have a friend who lives down that road.”

“What about up there?”

“The sunrise? It’s nice.” Pink clouds streaked the horizon.

“Yeah. It’s like cotton candy.” Onyx leaned his head on the window. “Do you see anything else that’s beautiful?”

William looked around. This was an old part of town. He saw faded paint, cracked parking lots, mossy trees, and traffic. There was a woman jogging, but he didn’t let his eyes drift that way. “I don’t know. Maybe some trees.”

“Yeah. The moss on that one hangs down like icicles. It reminds me that Christmas is around the corner. What do you think of that?”

Rigmarole. “I’m not ready for it. I don’t believe in all the commercialism, but I haven’t figured out a good way to avoid it.”

“Is there any part you’re looking forward to?”

“Some time off.” William shrugged. “Some outings with my girlfriend.”

“I’m looking forward to eggnog,” Onyx said and then was silent for the rest of the trip.

The conversation had been a test—William knew that—but he had no idea if he passed or failed. He knew Onyx’s statements and questions had been carefully calculated, but for what? What did clouds and trees have to do with principles?

When they got to the office, Onyx said, “I’ll be around. If you decide to go out for lunch or something, let me know. I put my number in your phone.”

Later, William wondered how The Arbiter got into his phone. Then he wondered what else The Arbiter might have seen, scrolling through his text threads and emails. His thread with Abby was sappy. Would Onyx intrude on his privacy like that? The other threads were fine. Rushed, confusing work emails had become a pet peeve for William, and clear communication had become one of his principles. He made sure he took his time when responding to messages.

Though curious what The Arbiter was doing now, William focused on his work. It was an annoying morning. Misunderstandings and last-minute changes of plans thwarted his team’s attempts to move the project forward. Plus the printer wasn’t working.

He closed his eyes and placed his hands open on his desk. Between five long breaths, he reminded himself of five simple truths: I cannot control anything outside myself… I cannot even control everything in myself… If I’ve tried my best, I’ve done good… This is just a job, just a moment, just a feeling… I can be at peace. This was his resetting ritual. He used it a couple of times a week. There was a time when he’d used it a couple of times a day.

William spotted Onyx at one of the other desks, now in unassuming business attire. He had been there this whole time, working on his laptop and talking to other employees. Twice, William was startled to find Onyx standing right behind him.

As they headed to the gym, The Arbiter pulled out a written list of questions. “Tell me about Dave.”

“He’s a friend. He was the first friend I made living here. Other people tried to be nice to me because of my condition, but he was the first person to show interest in me for my personality.”

“What are two pros and cons of Dave as a friend?”

“It nice to have a work buddy to joke around with, and…” William had to think for a moment. “We’ve both helped each other. I’ve helped him through some social and relational challenges, and he’s helped me with a lot of things I can’t do. He put in the ceiling fans, he’s moved furniture, and other stuff like that. For cons, he doesn’t always bring out the best in me. Sometimes we get a little too sarcastic. And he can be distracting when he’s sending memes while I’m trying to focus.”

Onyx nodded. “Tell me about Fay.”

Several frustrations leaped to the tip of William’s tongue: “She has no vision and no initiative. She only…” He stopped speaking but let the thoughts flow. …follows instructions, and she will attempt to follow an instruction even if she doesn’t understand it, generally doing a half-assed job.

“She only what?”

William confessed, “I can’t answer that. It would be gossip.”

“She’s your manager, right?”

“Yes.” He knew Onyx was looking for more, so he added, “I know she has a brother in the army.”

“I heard she can make a top-notch cocktail.”

“That’s true.”

Onyx turned away in thought, and William turned his music on.

Even while running on the treadmill, The Arbiter wore his mask, even while running backward on the treadmill. William felt self-conscious by association, especially when Onyx stood right next to him and said, “I have identified a weakness in you. Over the coming days, I expect to see you taking steps to understand and address it.”

William pumped his weights a little faster. What had he done wrong? “Did I fail the test already?”

“No. Everyone has weaknesses. Seeing how you grapple with this will be an important part of the test.”

“What is it?”

“You take life too seriously.”

William set the weights in his lap. “What do you mean? Isn’t taking life seriously the whole point? Taking responsibility for every little thing we do?”

“Life isn’t all serious. It’s more than a numbers game, more than difficult decisions. You’re a pessimist. Do you know why?”

The critique frustrated William. How could he take responsibility for everything in his life without taking life “too seriously?” He calmed his frustration by reminding himself that he might be misunderstanding or this might be a test. “I’m a realist probably because of everything I’ve been through.”

“No, you’re not a realist,” Onyx declared. He lifted his mask but only to wipe his face. Still, William caught a glimpse of a wide smile that didn’t match the admonishing tone. “You undervalue positive emotions. Not being controlled by emotions doesn’t mean we suppress them. We control them. That means we use them to their fullest. Your life is low in personal joy, appreciation of beauty, and acceptance of grace. That makes you weak. That’s your number-one weakness.”

William extracted an encouragement from the critique. If that was his biggest weakness, then he was doing well in the areas he cared about.

Onyx continued, “I can explain the power of positive emotions, but, for you to understand, you will have to reach for them and experiment with them in different situations. Positive emotions used expertly—it takes practice—make living out your principles easy or natural because you move toward joy, beauty, meaning—things that feed your soul. Moving away from negatives is taxing because you’re focused on the effort. To get out of a dark room, you cannot run from the dark—you’ll crash from wall to wall. Instead, you have to run toward the sliver of light seeping under the door.”

William had heard the concept in other words. Once again, it failed to resonate with him. Would it really make it easier? Couldn’t he just be stronger?

“What are you thinking? You seem to disagree.”

“I don’t know.” Two people kept looking over at them. William made sure his self-consciousness didn’t cause him to dilute the truth. “It doesn’t sit right with me. Isn’t it better to be strong enough to face the negatives directly?”

Onyx shook his head. “I see. You place your value on how hard you try, on the struggle.” He placed a hand on William’s sweaty shoulder. “That’s a lack of acceptance of truth. You’re valuable because you’re you, the only one who can be you.” He sat down on the exercise equipment. “Our lives should flow from truth. It should be natural—easy—because it’s based on reality. That’s the goal. Think about it this way: If it’s natural, then you bring your full potential into each moment. That’s real strength. If it’s a struggle, then you only bring what you can muster up in each moment.”

He remembered the woman with one working limb laughing with her friends, or whoever they were. What if they were coworkers? Could he stand on his principles and feel natural around his coworkers? “I’ll try. How do I start?”

“First, look for the good. We saw a beautiful sunrise this morning, and you would have missed it if I hadn’t pointed it out. It took you longer to give me pros of your own friend than cons. Second, take in the good. Appreciation is active; you have to do it. You have to admire the qualities and give thanks for the blessing. Dave has been a blessing to you in many ways; so has this town. The more you appreciate the good, the more you see it and the more you naturally move in harmony with it.” Onyx didn’t seem satisfied with that explanation, but he continued. “Third, let the good overflow from you. Smile, laugh, explore, show affection, wonder, dream, stand in awe… At first, you won’t know how to express it all authentically, but you learn by trial and error.”

It sounded childish to William. He hated the idea of looking childish, but he knew that was his pride. He squashed it. The Arbiter was trying his best to explain this to him. He would not reject that gift. “Okay. Please, keep questioning me, so I can practice.”

“I will,” Onyx said but didn’t ask another question until dinner. He was back in his dinosaur PJs. Through all the outfit changes, one thing never changed: the black rubber ring on his wrist. He drew the symbol of The Deep on his napkin. “What does this mean?”

William relayed what he had learned: “The outer points that form the circle represent truth and responsibility. This is called the path. The points that form the V in the middle represent the convergence of will and principle. This is the person.”

“Yes. Truth is reality. The first tenet of The Deep is to embrace all of reality.” Onyx moved the tip of his pen from the furthest left point to the furthest right point. “Truth always calls for action. Responsibility is about answering that call. The moment we recognize that something is affecting us negatively, we have a responsibility to do something about it. You’ve done that. However, because your self-worth is in struggle, you cannot embrace peace, joy, beauty, etc. Rejecting that part of truth limits your responsibility, strength, and freedom. So, what part of dinner did you enjoy most?”

“I’m happy with how the pork chop came out.”

“Did you enjoy how the black pepper complemented the caramelized onions? Or how the broccoli had just the right amount of salt? Or did you just eat it?” Onyx already knew the answer, so he said, “Thank you very much for this meal. I enjoyed every bite.”

“You’re welcome.” William looked at his empty plate and wondered if he had enjoyed it after all the effort he had put into it.

Onyx cleared the table. “Which exercise at the gym do you like most?”

Did he “like” the exercises? “I really don’t know.” William glanced at the stove clock and mentioned, “My girlfriend and I talk on the phone and watch a show together on Friday nights.”

“Then get to it,” Onyx said. “I’ll wash the dishes.”