THE IMPOSSIBLE TEST

That night’s rest was as bad as the last. William was normally a good sleeper, but being under constant scrutiny was stressful. He reminded himself how to stay true to his principle in spite of sleepiness: When I’m tired I have a shorter wick and tend to nitpick myself and others. I need to take things slow, try my best rather than worry about results, and let as much as possible roll off my back. William paused and added, I need to focus on the positives.

He slid himself into his wheelchair and rotated to face his nightstand. Reading his list, he envisioned who he would be if he fully embodied each character trait. He saw himself laughing with Dave over a shared meme instead of checking it on his own and barely appreciating it. He saw himself encouraging Fay to grow instead of merely putting up with her shortcomings. For the first time in his life, he saw a version of himself that wasn’t fighting. He was living out his principles not only by struggling against the bad but also by accepting the good.

He put on his leather armband, reciting the mantra of The Deep: “Those who are controlled by nothing but their principles: no fear, no force, no feeling, no falsehood.” Not even a broken sense of self-worth. “Those who take responsibility for everything under their influence: every thought, every word, every motion, every potential.” Even every positive influence, making use of those blessings.

A voice came from the dark corner of the room, “Explain the ritual to me.”

William jolted but didn’t squeal this time. “I remind myself what’s important each morning. It helps me set a good course for the day.”

Onyx made him explain every step of the ritual, every trait on his list, and every note he had saved on dealing with difficult situations. William couldn’t see Onyx’s expression, but he assumed it was indifferent. The parts worked, but they weren’t very detailed.

He was wrong. Onyx said, “This is great! I used something very similar for a while.”

“Why did you stop?”

Onyx was slow to answer. “Not because there was anything wrong with it. I chose a different option. It’s not a better option; I chose it because I wanted to see if I could make it work.”

“What is it?”

“I—” He hesitated again. “I don’t think this option would be good for you, so I don’t think it would help you to know. It’s enough for you to recognize that different people can use very different methods to reinforce and refine their principles.”

William accepted that. He pointed to The Arbiter’s O-ring bracelet. “Is that, for you, anything like my armband?”

“Very much.”

“So,” William said, “There’s a music and art festival this weekend. I told Abby I would go with her. I’m just wondering how that's going to work with you.”

“It’ll work like at your job. I’ll be around. What time are you going?”

William could live with that. Obviously, he didn’t like the idea of being watched on his date, but this is what he signed up for. “Probably in the afternoon, we were thinking we might get dinner out there.”

“Send me the info and call her to nail down at least an arrival time. I’d like to see if anyone I know will be there.”

Once they made their plans, Onyx asked William to play a card game. In the game, they had to work together, but Onyx offered no advice or opinions. He only questioned William’s plays seemingly at random. It didn’t take William long to realize the game was a test of his self-monitoring, strategy, and frustration control. They never won, but Onyx seemed to enjoy it anyway. William didn’t enjoy it, but he did learn from it. He had never been forced to observe his own strategic or statistical thinking so directly.

Packing up the cards, Onyx jumped to another topic, “Is Abigail your type aesthetically?”

That raised William’s hackles. “I don’t believe in that. I think she’s lovely.”

“But surely you don’t think she’s the most beautiful woman out there. You don’t believe the type matters, but you’ve wrestled with the concept. I assume you discovered that type doesn’t matter because of her.”

“I don’t want to talk about this,” William said defensively. “Is nothing sacred to you?”

“Why does this trouble you?”

William recognized the anger rising in him. Instead of responding in anger, he examined the feeling. Why did the question trouble him? “You’re right. I’ve wrestled a lot with that. In high school, I had a good friend. She was awesome. One day, she professed feelings for me. I rejected her because she wasn’t my type. I think that’s why it troubles me: I never dealt with that guilt.” He smiled. “Life kind of gave me a second chance. Abagail is a lot like that old friend: a nerd.”

“Tell me about how you met. What were the things that made you see her as more than a friend?”

“Fay hosts a Christmas party for the office every year. It’s how she stays in people’s good graces—Fay is welcoming: that’s something positive I could say about her. She invites some people from her neighborhood, and Abagail is her neighbor. We were both feeling awkward so we ended up talking. That was the first thing that drew me: she was easy to talk to.” William paused. “There’s also the fact that I’m in a wheelchair. She was willing to put up with that and go out with me. She’s very kind and thoughtful but also… like whimsical, I guess. She really gets into her favorite topics or fandoms, but she puts up with my… lack of interest in those things.”

“Interesting word choice. Do you worry she’ll get sick of putting up with you?”

“Sometimes.”

“What would you do then?”

“Well, sometimes I think she would be better off with someone else, someone more interested in all that. So, I would hope she found a good one.” William’s tone was somber now. “I would be devastated of course, but I’d manage. You saw that contentment is one of the major traits I want to embody.”

“Yeah. I was impressed given your difficulty appreciating the positives,” Onyx said. “Those who embody contentment, can see relationships as blessings on top of a meaningful life and appreciate them properly. Without contentment, people see relationships, opportunities, and serendipities as parts of themselves or things they deserve. They cannot appreciate them as blessings, and, when they’re gone, they feel like part of their life has been stolen from them.”

William nodded.

“So, what’s the most annoying thing about Abagail? Or, to phrase it more palatably, what do you think is the biggest challenge in your relationship with her?”

They talked for a while. Though William didn’t like the questions, they drew out many of his hidden fears and regrets. He felt lighter after the conversation.

“What’s the deepest secret Abagail has shared with you?”

“She’s told me a lot. Her deepest secret—” William caught himself. Onyx had asked so easily. William had lowered his guard. “It’s a secret, so I can’t tell you.”

“But you have to.”

William would not fall for that again. “No. I have to act on my principles. I cannot be controlled by anything else, even your rules.”

“You signed up for this.”

“I signed up for a test, and you’re testing me right now.”

Onyx said nothing, and William couldn’t read any approval or objection with the mask. Maybe that’s why The Arbiter wore it.

 

Abby arrived at two. At first, she was intimidated by the mask and coat, but Onyx acted very shy and said his outfit was a cosplay of a book character. Abby tried to include him in the conversation on the way to the festival, so he lied to her, saying his name was Benjamin, he knew William through the army, and he was in town for a cousin’s wedding.

Before leaving the couple, he said, “If I find my friend, I’ll introduce you.”

“Which friend?” William asked.

“The one who’s in The Deep.”

Abby looked at William. “You applied for that test, right? Did you ever hear back?”

William didn’t want to lie to her, but he couldn’t tell her that this was the test. He knew not to break that rule. “I’m not allowed to say.”

That earned him a tiny approving nod from Onyx.

“Oh, mysterious,” Abby commented. “It would be cool to meet one of them since you’ve been pursuing this for so long.”

“Great. Catch you guys later then.” Onyx walked off. He entered an artist’s booth only to disappear around the back.

Abby started toward a different booth, so William pushed himself after her. He enjoyed seeing her fascination and wonder, even if he didn’t understand it. Art didn’t inspire him like that. Then he caught a glimpse of Onyx. He was in line at an ice cream truck across the path but facing toward William. William remembered his instructions: First, look for the good. Second, take in the good. Appreciation is active; you have to do it. He huffed—it still felt silly to him—but he forced himself to search for beauty even in the strange and abstract pieces.

Third, let the good overflow from you. He pointed out some of the details he liked to Abby. She smiled at him, appreciating his attempt to appreciate the art. It didn’t last long—it didn’t come naturally to him—but then he saw Onyx again and again remembered the instructions. He searched for meaning even in songs that weren’t his style and shared the lyrics that stood out to him.

The moment Abby stepped away to use the bathroom, Onyx approached. He gestured to William. “Here’s the catechumen.” Then he gestured to a tall but older woman at his side. “William, I’d like you to meet Olivia.”

She had short blond and gray hair, a brown leather jacket, and a noticeably crooked nose. She was the first member of The Deep William had seen with a visible brand, seared onto the side of her neck. The symbol acted as the centerpiece of the floral tattoo spreading out around it, simultaneously complemented and disguised by the ink.

She asked, “How do you think you’re doing?”

“In the test?” William glanced at Onyx. “He doesn’t make it easy to tell.”

“No, he doesn’t.” Olivia smirked.

Right then, Onyx commanded William, “Push me hard, as hard as you can.”

“Oh, this is a different one,” Olivia commented.

Always another test. William rolled closer and set his hand on Onyx’s side, applying a little pressure. “Like this?”

No answer.

“Alright then. Here it goes. One… two…”

“Stop,” Onyx said. “Why would you do that?”

“I trusted that you had a reason for asking.” William held up a finger; he had more to say. “You seem fit enough that you would be able to catch yourself and not get hurt, and I made sure you were ready.”

“What good reason could there be?”

“I figured you were going to use it to teach me something.”

“So you’re the calculated type. Okay.” Olivia crossed her arms. “I probably would’ve just said ‘no,’ but you went about that well.”

“Hey, don’t give him hope,” Onyx scolded playfully.

“Give him a break. I like him.”

“Never!” Onyx teased. “Or perhaps I will. Yes. I’ll lure him into a false sense of security and then strike out of nowhere!”

“You monster.”

Onyx responded with the most cartoonist mad scientist laugh.

William found himself smiling. These were members of The Deep, but they were also people, full people.

“Hi,” Abby said with a little wave.

Onyx introduced her. “Olivia meet Abagail, William’s girlfriend.”

Abby asked, “Did I see you playing the guitar for the last band?”

“Yeah,” Olivia answered and clarified, “I play bass for The Timerobbers. I’m also playing for Coretz today since their bassist is out.”

“Wow, those are two very different styles. Isn’t Coretz a metal band?”

“Yeah, not my cup of tea to listen to, but, if I’m playing, I’m happy.”

Abby nudged her boyfriend, “That’s more up your alley.”

“Coretz will be on at six if you want to hear us.”

William nodded and asked, “Did you always want to be a musician?”

“Oh no, it had to grow on me. My mom always wanted me to play, but I didn’t pick up an instrument until college. It’s my main thing now, though. It’s about time I got out of law.”

“Do you wish you had listened to your mom?” William explained, “I don’t mean to pry. I’m just wondering. I have a lot of my own regrets.”

“I get that. I wish I had listened to a lot of things my mom told me, but a mistake doesn’t have to be a regret. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I’m here now, and here is good.”

“I like that,” Abby said. She paused before asking, “I don’t know if I’m allowed to ask this, but what’s it like being in The Deep?”

“It’s living life to the fullest, and having a network of people to keep you accountable and support you… Yeah, it’s good. The people you meet: they inspire you. We inspire each other.” Olivia ended the conversation there. “I have to get back to my band, but you two enjoy your evening.”

They said goodbye. Onyx left with Olivia. William and Abby ate at a Mediterranean restaurant and then talked by the lake as the sun set. William expected to see Onyx here or there, but he didn’t. He texted him when they were headed back to the car. They ended up having to wait on him for five minutes. His excuse was that he had been “helping out another friend.” He averted any follow-up questions by pulling out his phone and saying, “I have to send some messages. Just pretend I’m not here.”

Abby didn’t linger long at the apartment. Maybe she could tell William was more tired than he was letting on. Or maybe she could tell Onyx was more stressed than he was letting on. The Arbiter booted up his laptop the moment he got inside. Only while it was loading did he throw together a late dinner.

When Abby left, he took off his mask and coat and washed his face. He looked as tired as William. “Did you have a nice date?” he asked even as he typed something on the laptop.

“Yeah,” William answered. “Thanks for giving us space in the evening.”

“What was your favorite piece of art?”

William was ready to say “I don’t know,” but one painting came to mind. “There was a realistic depiction of the Old Sheldon Church ruins in South Carolina. I don’t really know why, but I thought it was beautiful. It made me think about faith in its various iterations.”

“What about a song?”

“I don’t know the name of the song or what it was all about, but there was a line: ‘I march on so bold, but my map doesn’t match the road.’ That was me most of my life.”

Onyx kept typing.

William grabbed his pajamas and rolled toward the shower. He stopped in the doorway. “Hey… Thanks for making me take the extra step to appreciate these things. It meant a lot to Abby.”

“It sounds like it meant a lot to you.”

“Yeah, I guess it did.”

They took turns in the bathroom. The last thing Onyx said was “I’m going to attack you in your sleep. Be ready for that.”

William lay down, but his eyes did not close. How was he supposed to be ready if he was asleep? How was he supposed to sleep if he going to be attacked? What did that mean? William knew the rule: The Arbiter had to be able to get to him at all times. It didn’t have to be easy, though. He piled stuff behind his door. If the door opened, the avalanche would wake him up. He lay down again, but his eyes drifted to the window. He piled stuff there too.