THE IMPOSSIBLE TEST

William was almost disappointed that he didn’t get attacked. He didn’t get much rest, and he had nothing to show for it. “I thought you were going to attack me?”

“Forgot.” Onyx’s tone was so nonchalant it seemed he never intended to attack William at all. It had been another test. William wondered if he passed. He was proud of his makeshift alarm system, but maybe he should have done more. He had let one silly line control his entire night. He had already been tired. Now he felt terrible.

“Can you take Tuesday off?” Onyx asked, stirring a steaming bowl of oatmeal. “It’ll be worth it.”

William was the type to save all his PTO for one significant vacation a year, but he could give up one day. He trusted Onyx even if he was terrified of him. “I’ll request it.”

Overtired or not, he had a lot to do today, most importantly grocery shopping. He also had to start Christmas shopping or at least researching some ideas. Oh, and he needed to do laundry. He started with that. “I’m doing a colored load if you want to throw any of your clothes in.”

Onyx took him up on the offer.

While the washer and dryer were running, William got busy Christmas shopping. Eventually, grumbles interspersed clicks. Eventually, Onyx asked, “What’s wrong?”

“I hate Christmas shopping. I can’t think of good gifts. I don’t just want to buy stuff, you know?”

“Who are you trying to buy gifts for?”

“My parents, my sister’s family, my friends… Abby is the big one.”

“Well, if you can’t think of something that would help them develop as people, then you shouldn’t get them anything.”

William wished it were that simple. “I can’t do that. That would show a lack of consideration.”

“Purity is power. In writing, we have a term ‘word economy.’ The idea is that every word must make the manuscript stronger. Any word that doesn’t strengthen the manuscript weakens it. It dilutes the meaning. The same is true of possessions and activities: if they do not enrich the person’s life, then they encumber it.”

“I agree. I’ve thought about this,” William said, “but they don’t understand that. They would think I didn’t even try.”

“You said you don’t believe in the commercialism. You can’t act on a social obligation you don’t believe in. You would be part of the problem.”

“No. I have to.” William put a hand on his head. He was too tired for this. “I want to show them I love them.”

“How old are your sister’s kids?”

“Two and four.”

“Do you really think they’ll get the message? Or will they be too enamored with all their new toys? And your parents: do they really need some random stuff to remember you love them?”

“No, but—”

“And even your friends. Isn’t it better to get them gifts when you see a need instead of spending that money on something they might not use? Don’t give a gift of clutter like a knickknack or disgust like clothes that aren’t their style or stress like anything they would have to fit into their lives.”

How many times did he have to say he agreed? “That’s why this is so hard, but I have to get them something. I want to be a positive influence on them, so I can’t damage those bridges.”

“Then admit you’re okay with the commercialism if you’re not willing to reject it.”

“No! I’m not okay with it…” William snapped his mouth and eyes closed. He could hear his tone rising. Let it roll off my back, he reminded himself. There was no reason to be angry right now. I’m tired. I have a shorter wick. I need to take things slow. “I’m not okay with it, but I don’t have a good way to avoid it. I think you’re right, though. I don’t need to buy as much as I thought, and that would be a step in the right direction.” He spoke slowly and calmly.

Onyx didn’t give up, but William kept calm and held his ground. Then he said, “I appreciate your insight, but I’m not going to talk any more about this.” He held his ground on that too. Afterward, he realized, Onyx is supposed to observe my reasoning, not force his own. He was testing me again. He doesn’t care how I do my Christmas shopping; he cares how I handle an argument.

As he folded clothes, he thought of one gift his parents could enjoy together and two gifts that could show consideration for his sister’s whole family. He wasn’t happy with that, though. He wished he could buy gifts when the need or blessing arose. Did he have to buy gifts for his friends? Would it damage his influence if he didn’t? Or would a stand against commercialism be a positive influence? He returned to his computer with a much shorter list of names, but finding something nice and meaningful for Abby still took forever.

It was afternoon by the time he was ready to go grocery shopping. He grabbed his shopping list to double-check it. Halfway down the list, the words seemed to blur. He let his eyelids fall for a second, but they didn’t want to open again. He shouldn’t drive like this, but the grocery store was just up the road. He grabbed his keys and called to Onyx.

“What?”

William set his keys down. He shouldn’t drive like this. “I’m going to lie down. If I’m not up by five, can you come get me?”

“Yeah, sure.”

William never took naps. He rarely needed to, and, when he did, he usually struggled through. That, he knew, was pride.

Onyx knocked on his door at exactly five, and he got up immediately. Turning on his lamp, he called through the door, “I’m headed to the grocery store in a few minutes if you want to come.”

“Of course.”

Walking into the store, Onyx said, “While you’re shopping, you have to find a cheap but symbolically meaningful gift for me.”

“After that whole lecture on not buying pointless gifts…” William muttered. He had a technique for pushing himself and a shopping cart at the same time.

Onyx observed William closely but didn’t ask any questions. William stuck to his list, but his eyes scanned every shelf for a symbolic gift. Maybe a candle could represent something. Maybe the colored layers of a cake could represent virtues.

In the freezer aisle, his eyes locked on the dinosaur nuggets. They reminded him of Onyx’s pajamas. He grabbed a bag, “The gift is going to be a special dinner,” and then rolled away to collect the other ingredients.

While the nuggets and French fries baked, William sautéed carrots, zucchini, cauliflower, and broccoli. He set the table with four dipping sauces, explaining, “These symbolize the four tenets of The Deep. The yellow mustard is the light of truth. The hot sauce is the will, the fire within the individual. Since the garlic ranch is white, it’s the purity of principle. The barbecue is responsibility because it’s going out into the world, and the world is not so black and white. Barbecue sauce has that smokiness and sweetness—a lot of blended flavors.”

He took out the chicken and fries. “The dinosaur nuggets made me think of you, and I thought the breading could represent your mask.” Lastly, he brought over the vegetables and a bowl of blackberries and grapes. “I don’t know what purple and black mean to you, but I know they’re symbols. With the fruits and vegetables, we have a holistic meal which represents how the tenets impact all areas of life.”

“I’m impressed,” Onyx said. “I’ve given other people the symbolic gift challenge. None of them made me a meal.”

As they ate, he asked William what he believed about the purpose of humanity, the origin of the world, and the nature of government, but he didn’t have well-thought-out beliefs on such philosophical topics. Onyx scolded him, “You’ve neglected the truth tenet. Relying on the wisdom of others is fine to start, but you can’t stop there. You’ve built your principles on that wisdom, but you don’t know where it comes from. No wonder you have been so confined. You can’t see the foundation you’re standing on! Truth opens the world to us, showing us where we can safely walk and the best way to get where we want to go.”

William shrank. He had ignored those topics and more. Why? The real reason was that he didn’t feel confident with them. He had excuses. For one, he’d told himself that topics like that were too abstract, irrelevant to his day-to-day life. For another, he’d told himself “There are too many disagreements about that stuff. How are you supposed to know who’s right?” In his own estimation, they were weak excuses.

“By being humble. By looking at reality and seeing what works in it. You don’t have to get it right. In fact, you can’t. The universe doesn’t fit in your tiny head. But you have to keep seeking truth and keep refining your beliefs. You have to commit to your belief. That trial and error will show you what’s real.”

William felt like he failed. He didn’t let the feeling control him. A weakness was pointed out, so he determined to address it. “I have some time before bed. I’ll start looking into it now.”