BIGNESS

We say “Be the bigger person,” but what is the bigness that we speak of? The phrase encourages us to brush off minor offenses or injustices. When a disagreement descends into a shouting match, the bigger person is the one who doesn’t have to get in the last word. The bigger person is the one who isn’t controlled by anger or frustration, who can keep the big picture and higher principles in mind instead of being trapped in the moment.

Our present thoughts and feelings act as a veil, stealing our attention away from reality. In a disagreement, we forget the big picture: we might be talking to the spouse who we have vowed to love or a relative who we ought to show respect. We forget the higher principles: honesty is the best policy and humility is the first step toward understanding. In our desire to defend ourselves, we fail to see anything beyond ourselves, beyond the veil of our thoughts and feelings. Bigness is the ability to see and, therefore, live beyond the veil.

For many people, the veil is especially strong on Monday mornings. They rush to their cars without giving a second thought to the blooming rose bush. They fight through traffic hardly realizing that their favorite song is playing on the radio. They can’t embrace the goodness beyond the veil of pessimism and traffic lights. A bigger person might realize that worrying about being late won’t turn back the clock and devote that attention instead to the familiar song or beautiful flower.

When the veil steals our attention, we become smaller, able to interact with only a speck of reality. Fear diverts our attention away from a rational assessment of reality to worst-case scenarios and unknowns that worry cannot uncover. Social pressure diverts our attention away from an honest expression of our convictions to worries about people’s perceptions of us. The bigger we are the more attention we can take back and the more reality we can embrace.

We get bigger by practicing self-control and refining our values. If we have self-control but lack clear values, we won’t have anything to direct our efforts toward; we will end up conforming to the pressures upon us. If we have clear values but lack self-control, we won’t be able to stand against the pressures. Either way, we are trapped by the veil. When we give in to pressure, we experience a feeling of discomfort that psychologists call cognitive dissonance. When our actions don’t reflect our values—when we are not ourselves—we’re uncomfortable. We avoid cognitive dissonance by manifesting who we really are—our personalities, values, and objectives. To do that, we have to refine our values and control ourselves accordingly. If you believe that honesty is the best policy, and you have the self-control to be honest and bear the consequences, then you can manifest your belief in conversations.

Nothing should be able to make you do something you think is wrong, and nothing should be able to stop you from doing what you think is right. Don’t be a plant, shaped by sensations. Don’t be an animal, ruled by the iron fist of instinct and conditioning. Be a bigger person, able to turn your attention to what is meaningful and good. Live beyond the veil.