THE IMPOSSIBLE TEST

William awoke to a knock, a light, and a voice. “It’s cold this morning, but it’s supposed to warm up. Dress business casual, but pack a hat for later.”

Scrambled eggs were on the table, still hot. At the counter, Onyx was packing a cooler. He was in normal clothes today too. A black bracelet stood in for his O-ring.

“Where are we going?” William asked, starting his coffee.

“Several places. Have you ever been fishing?”

“Once, but I was young.”

“Same. We’ll learn together this evening.”

“Do you have the stuff for it?” William would’ve remembered seeing fishing poles among Onyx’s bags.

“It’s in your trunk. That’s what I was picking up yesterday.”

They were on the road before seven. The GPS said the first address was an hour away, so Onyx pulled up fishing tutorials on his phone. At least, they’d have an idea of what to do.

William parked and looked up at a three-story Buddhist temple.

“Why do you think I brought you here?” Onyx asked. “You can’t say ‘I don’t know.’ You have to guess.”

“I don’t… Maybe you’re a Buddhist.”

“No.” Onyx laughed. “You are. Or, at least, you’ve been living like one.”

William powered up the ramp to the temple, but the front doors were locked. Onyx didn’t seem perturbed. He walked around the side and pointed through a window. A golden ship's wheel was mounted to a wall inside. He explained, “Each spoke of the wheel represents part of the eightfold path. The first spoke is right understanding. That’s like our truth tenet. Right speech, action, and livelihood would all fall under our responsibility tenet. Right effort and mindfulness would fall under will, and right purpose and concentration would fall under principle. You’ll find these ideas everywhere in philosophy and psychology. The problem with the Buddhists is they focus on only half of the story.”

He led William back down the ramp into a garden of flowers, statues, and bamboo. They stopped at a sign labeled The Four Noble Truths. “Notice they’re all about suffering or, for you, struggle.”

They sat there in silence, William carefully reading the sign. He agreed with three of the truths. He didn’t agree with relinquishing commitments and aspirations. You can’t live by principles without commitment. You can’t embody a vision without aspiration. “I see. They’re running from the problem instead of running toward the solution. They’re focused on the struggle like me instead of the blessings.”

“At least, it appears that way to us. Meditate on that. I’ll be back.” Onyx left William alone for a few minutes. Then he led him back to the car.

Their next stop wasn’t far away: a Russian Orthodox church. It was even more opulent than the temple. “Why do you think I brought you here?”

William shook his head. “To teach me… about blessings.”

Onyx squinted. “That’s not what I was going to say but sort of.”

He helped William up the ramp this time. Inside, a handful of people were praying even at this odd hour. William had never been in a church like this. Artwork covered the vaulted ceilings. Images of people encircled the room. It seemed excessive to him.

Onyx stopped at an image on the side wall and waved the priest over. “Could you tell my friend the story of Saint Theodore Ivanov?”

The priest eagerly obliged. By age fourteen, illness had paralyzed Theodore from the waist down. He was bedridden for the rest of his life, yet he found contentment, peace, and joy. From his bed, he impacted countless lives. As years passed, more and more people came to visit him for advice or comfort. Others, he impacted through letters and prayer.

“Contentment is one of the core virtues William is pursuing,” Onyx told the priest. “Before you go. Could you pray with us?”

“Certainly, but what about you? What’s something you’re pursuing?”

“Worshipfulness.”

“Oh!” The priest smiled, bowed his head, and prayed.

William felt very awkward, but he chose to receive what was meant as a blessing.

“Thank you.” Onyx released the priest and turned back to the image. “Contentment, peace, and joy became natural for Theodore because of where he placed his focus.”

William wondered, “Do you think he could’ve been a member of The Deep?”

Onyx waved his finger in a circle. “Maybe all of them could have been.”

“What is worshipfulness?”

“Psychologically…” Onyx sighed. “This is going to be a sloppy definition because I’m still figuring that out: It’s living like everything is part of a grander story and living in willful surrender to the highest good in that story.”

They talked about virtues in the car. They also ate lunch in the car. They also listened to music and said nothing. It was a three-hour drive to the mental health hospital.

Onyx asked, “Why do you think we’re here?”

“To meet someone.”

“Yes! Another friend I met through The Deep. We’re kind of email pen pals now,” Onyx explained. “He wanted to be a soldier, so he’s very excited to meet you and hear any stories you’re willing to share. Obviously, the military can’t admit someone with clinically diagnosed psychosis. He’s here because he was deemed a danger to society. He killed someone, but he was acquitted because the guy was a kidnapper. He also beat someone up. Again, he was acquitted. That guy was in the process of robbing a convenience store.”

Onyx told the woman at the front desk. “We’re here to see Neal Hodges, room two twenty-six.”

They had to show their IDs and wear visitor stickers. On the elevator, William asked, “If he was acquitted, then why did they decide he was dangerous?”

“His delusional reasoning during the investigations gave no assurance that he wouldn’t commit similar acts of violence against innocent people. So, really, he’s here because he’s a poor communicator.”

In the hallway, William heard one guy screaming or grunting, but the hospital didn’t seem as bad as in the movies.

Neal’s door was open. Onyx called to him before entering. “Hey, Neal, it’s Onyx.”

“Oh hey, buddy!” Neal closed his book and hopped up from the chair. He was fit though gray salted his trimmed hair and thick beard.

They embraced each other. Then Neal noticed William in the doorway, “Is this… You told me about him, right?”

“Yes, this is William.” Onyx waved him over. He was in the army, he was deployed, and he saw combat.”

Neal dropped to his knees and, on his knees, shuffled up to William’s chair. “Thank you for your service.”

Onyx kept William from rolling back. He had to respond to this man up close and personal. “Um, thank you. I didn’t do that much before…” He gestured to his stiff legs.

“The land mine,” Neal said, wide-eyed. He glanced up at Onyx. “Was that real? Or did I make that up?”

Onyx nudged William.

“Yeah,” William said. “I ran over a land mine in a Jeep.”

Onyx nudged William again. “Tell the story.”

“Okay, well, we were setting up a new base closer to hostile territory. A team of us was tasked with carving out a new route for supplies. The area should have been clear. We didn’t even have a sweeper with us. I was on patrol duty in the Jeep, and I saw signs of an encampment where there shouldn’t have been any. As soon as I grabbed my walkie to radio it in, boom! Thankfully, the explosion was more to the passenger side, or I would be dead. The Jeep flipped sideways. I spun out. Somehow the Jeep landed on my legs, and I went unconscious. I never felt my legs again, but, for a while, there was a shooting pain. It seemed to shoot up from nowhere.”

Neal took William’s hand, shook it, and then sat back on the edge of his bed. “Respect. All the respect.”

Onyx prodded. “Are there any other stories you can tell us?”

“Yeah. Let me think.”

They talked about the army for over an hour. In that time, Onyx stepped away to ask the nurse how Neal was doing.

The memories started to weigh on William. To change the topic, he asked, “Do you like it here? The hospital seems nice.”

“It’s a hospital for you? It’s an asylum for me.”

Onyx commented, “Mental health hospital, asylum, same difference.”

“Ha! It’s fine either way. I like Bob.” Neal pointed at the wall, presumably toward another patient’s room. “But I’m getting out next week.”

“Really?” William asked doubtfully but then tried to sound optimistic: “That’s great!”

“Well, ask the nurse to be sure.”

“Are you excited?”

“Yeah, but I don’t have many friends out there.”

Onyx declared, “You’ll have to come see me. And remember: You have The Deep. We’re there for each other.”

“Oh!” Neal’s smile returned. “How’s Gali?”

“Amazing. Always.” Onyx’s tone was flat.

“Is she here? Where is she?”

“She’s checking out your library.”

A few other random topics came up before they bid their farewells.

“So, what’s his psychosis exactly,” William asked in the car.

“Tactile and visual hallucinations plus severe delusions. He thinks everyone literally lives in their own world, but the worlds can interact like some sort of multiverse. I don’t know how he thinks it works, and, if he explains it, then you really won’t know.”

“Who’s Gali?”

“No one,” Onyx said dismissively. “My no one. Part of my world.”

William was curious, but he knew that was all he was going to get. He moved on to another question: “How can Neal be a member of The Deep when he’s controlled by his psychosis?”

“Impaired, not controlled. Neal’s grasp of truth is tenuous, but I still made sure he sought truth in his own way and aligned his life to whatever little fragment he found. For him, that meant listening to the people he had seen he could trust. Think about how much humility it takes to distrust yourself and believe someone else when your brain is building a false reality.”

While William thought, Onyx added, “The test is different for everyone. It’s different for you. I tell able-bodied men that I’m going to put my life in jeopardy on one of the days and then see how they manage that.”

“I guess that’s fair.”

“You were very gracious to Neal. You made his week. Thank you.”

William felt a smile creep across his face. “Once I started talking to him, I was happy to do it.”

Onyx read a fishing guide out loud on the way to the lake. There, the first thing they did was make fools of themselves. They teased each other and learned from their mistakes. William took to casting well. He caught three keepers to Onyx’s zero. They followed another tutorial to clean the fish and a recipe to cook them.

“Thanks for today. You were right: It was worth taking the day off.” William took another bite of fish. “I didn’t think I would enjoy fishing, but I want to go again. What made you think of fishing? Was there a lesson in it?”

“The lesson was in trying something new. We’re made to explore and learn. Too often we get stuck in our ways. And I thought fishing would be good for you. It’s not about struggling, doing more; it’s about patience.”

William took the lesson to heart. “Abby says the same thing about getting stuck in a rut. I definitely have that tendency.”